Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
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I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize