Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Screwed.edu
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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