So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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