my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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