The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
