How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
