If i come over, it means nothing
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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