This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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