Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
