You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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