I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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