my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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