I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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