I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
His nipple licking is glorious
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