Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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