i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
