No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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