Please, let me fuck your mom
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
