More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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