I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
