LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
