im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
