I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
