Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
