What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
