Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Come on in and take your pants off
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