Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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