Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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