I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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