I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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