Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
