I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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