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Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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