there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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