i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
