i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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