thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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