So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
