I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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