Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
