You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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