Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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