Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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