We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
