dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
