Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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