..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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