dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
