I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
