His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
