Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
