Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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