I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
