I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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