I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
