so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
