After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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