Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
