Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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