i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You are the jesus of drinking
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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