turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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