I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
